Seriously What the Hell Am I Supposed to Do?
Question by Peace&Love: Seriously what the hell am I supposed to do?
I am 20 years old and I feel as though my life is a big, chaotic mess. I really don’t know what to do anymore with my relationship with my mother. I am at the point right now that I don’t want anything to do with her, I look at her as only a person and not a mother. If she wasn’t my “mother” I wouldn’t talk to her.
Here is some background stuff: I was physically abused as a child by my mother and father. As well as emotional abuse. Because of them I have no self esteem. I have scars on my body from my parents throwing me into walls, punching me, cutting me with knives etc. My father passed away when I was 16. My mother is a drug addict/alcoholic who has been my whole life. She is also bipolar and has multiple personality disorder. I moved out of my mother’s house and into my brother’s house when I was 17 because of physical abuse and the cops were called, which therefor had me live with my brother. I moved out on my own at age 18 (with my boyfriend) and I am still with him, living on our own.
Here is my dilemma and what I need some advice/help/opinions on: My mother since I was 16 has tried to kill herself 5 times. Each time I had to find her and 3/5 times I had to do mouth to mouth/CPR on my own mother. I had to admit her into rehab (she has been there 4 times and she wasn’t sober for more than a month) and I have been the one who has gotten the third degree from her for being a “Horrible b*tch who doesn’t deserve to live.” I am just sick of it. She has said so many things to me over the years like how she wished she would have had an abortion, how I am a f*cking b*tch, how I don’t do anything etc. I have nightmares of being abused by my parents, and still to this day I have a hard time sleeping at night, because of them and what they did to me and what she continues to do to me. The problem is, I have been with my boyfriend since I was 15, he is the love of my life but I have found myself going downhill so fast. I let my mother’s comments get to me on a daily basis, even though I know I shouldn’t. My mother calls me at least 5/7 days a week and tells she is going to kill herself because of me. My boyfriend for the first time told me tonight “The problem and the reason we have been fighting lately is because you let your mother put you down, and you believe her. Your mother is coming between our relationship”
And the sad part is, its true. If she was a random person and not my “mother” I would have nothing to do with her. I want so badly just to stop talking to her and have nothing to do with her. Is this wrong of me? I feel as though I am the bad person because I feel this way. I just need some advice on if there is anything for me to do. When I don’t talk to her I am SO happy and I live my life, the instant I talk to her it ruins my day. I can never have a normal talk with my mother, it always turns into her bashing me and making me feel like nothing.
Also, my mother is on medication for her bipolar and personality disorders. She is also engaged to a man she has known for a while, so she is not alone.
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