How Should I Deal With an Abusive “Dry Drunk” Ex?
Question by BarbieGirl8: How should I deal with an abusive “dry drunk” ex?
I’m trying to come to terms with an abusive relationship with my ex boyfriend. He is a recovering alcoholic and has been sober for around 3 years. He goes to AA regularly and completed 90 day rehab program. I’m so hurt and confused by his actions though. Sometimes he tries really hard to be good to me and others he is a complete and total jerk. Sometimes I even wonder if he has mental illness in addition to alcohol issues. We’ve been broken up for around 5 months now and we dated for nearly 4 years. I know my mental isn’t where it should be and that I’m recovering from the abuse…it’s hard to wrap my head around things but I’m trying to put together the pieces and give myself some closure. Clearly if I’m asking this question, there was something wrong with the relationship but it’s hard to separate my head and my heart. :( Below are some of the characteristics and things that happened:
1. Controlling. He would make me come to his place all the time, would never make the effort to come to mine even though he didn’t work and I had two jobs. He would get super angry if I didn’t come and usually guilt me into doing it.
2. Would threaten to break up with me over sex. If he didn’t get it right when he wanted it. (and he wanted it everyday…the kinky variety….) He would find ways to blame me for not doing it and causing problems.
3. Crazy temper. He would break up with me over the most unusual things and then want to get back together the next day. He would act as if nothing had even happened.
4. He would do the same things over and over to me, make me upset and then do it again. It’s like he could never learn to stop doing the same hurtful things. Name calling, constant breaking up and taking back, screaming, saying terrible things. It’s like he had no regard whatsoever for my feelings.
5. He would string me along with promise of an engagement and moving in. He once bought an engagment ring and then returned it. We tried moving in together at least 3 times. He broke up with me the first time around because I wasn’t ready to move in. Then a few months later when my lease was up he backed out on me. He did this at least two more times.
6. He would tell me that he was moving to another state for jobs all the time but never did…. pretty sure he did it to me to keep me in a constant state of panic because I told him that I wouldn’t leave my job and move with him to another state without some commitment.
7. I caught him “looking” at a website for local escorts. He had the prices and phones numbers pulled up. He blew up and told me he was just looking for porn purposes.
8. I left my dog at his apartment while I was working one day. He apparently got angry and “accidentally” killed it while trying to get it out from under his bed with a broom. (this is the story he told me anyway)
9. He was very cold. He never wanted to be close or snuggle. Sex was fine but right after he would get up and leave. If he did try to snug afterward it would be very awkward. He would say things like “i love you” etc. but the actions were total opposite. If I asked for affection he would somehow try to blame me for the issue. It was always my fault in his eyes he would say that I was the “cold and difficult one to love” because I “wouldn’t let him love me”.
10. He has had a really hard time letting go. Sends hundreds of texts, shows up at my job, etc. He broke up with me the final time but then blamed me for making him do it by talking to another guy on facebook…. I finally had enough and said no more, we are done. I started seeing someone else and he went crazy. He would be very nice at first to try and get me back and then he would cycle through being really nasty when he didn’t get his way. He did this numerous times and now he is sending me pics of the girls he is now “seeing” trying to hurt my feelings.
11 Would frequently manipulate and withhold things he knew I wanted or needed.
There are soooo many other things I haven’t listed. I know this is really long and thank you to anyone who reads it!! I just don’t know what to do. I miss him but I really hate him at the same time. I know he’s bad for me but I need to come to terms with what happened so that I can get over it. Anyone with experience please give me your input…I don’t know what else to do. I’m tempted to go back but know that I shouldn’t.
Best answer:
Answer by NeeUhn
I only read the title. You don’t learn to deal with abusive alcoholics. you leave them! get out of their life and focus on yours! why should their screw ups and shortcomings be your damn problem anyways? haha good luck
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