When to Cut Off Relations With an Alcoholic Sibling?
Question by Fran D: When to cut off relations with an alcoholic sibling?
My older brother has been an alcoholic for over 30 years. Detox, private treatment on multiple occasions to no avail. Numerous lost jobs, broken relationships, health issues, etc. Still he drinks. And then he will call, and ramble incoherently and generally cause all matter of stress and anger. When my mother was alive, I would go out of my way to try to help him: invite him to stay with me, support him, introduce him to my friends, encourage him to attend AA or treatment or both, try to get him on his feet. This never worked, and inevitably there would be some meltdown which would result in a tremendous fight and on one memorable occasion I had to have him evicted because he was destroying my property.
My mother is no longer alive. I no longer have the incentive or the energy to try to help him and in any case, he specifically says that he doesn’t want any help. He does not see that he has any type of problem, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. He is now without a home, without a job, and without any type of support (other than unemployment, which will run out here in a few weeks). But he calls, regularly, drunk off his butt and rambles on about his IQ, how “superior” he is to everyone else, how its “his responsibility” to restore our “family” (there are other issues here too long to detail).
I know that it sounds mean, but I am seriously thinking of cutting off all contact with him. It is just too stressful and it makes me too angry. Has anyone else had to do this? How long should you have to tolerate this before you throw in the towel and walk away?
Thanks, TJ. I guess that my question is, is even taking his calls supporting his behavior? Should I just not answer the phone? Or should I send him a letter telling him how I feel and asking him not to contact me. It’s definetly too stressful to deal with him.
Best answer:
Answer by TJSharky
If he won’t admit he has a problem, there’s nothing you can do to change his mind. He will have to come to that conclusion on his own.
My question to you is: Is it worth the stress? If you have to answer no then it probably is best to not contact him for a while. Try to keep up with what is going on with him (through a neighbor, other family member, a friend) so things don’t get too far out of hand, but all you are doing right now is supporting his behavior by allowing it to continue. Some people can’t change while others won’t change. If he can’t, there’s nothing you can do to help. If he won’t change, nothing you can say or do will matter anyway.
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