Alcohol Abuse Advice

Question by Wavves: How do I let go of this feeling (hear me out)?
I graduated in 2009. High school was brutal! In the beginning, I had NO friends. Much like a lot of people, I thought. I remember the first day of school and people started talking to each other like they’ve known each other for awhile. I think the reason I was so closed off in high school was because of how traumatizing middle school was. I was scared almost every day going to middle school. There was so much violence. I moved away from my first middle school where everyone I grew up with attended and ended up in a middle school in the city.

I went into high school knowing I was gay. The one friend that I clicked with ended up moving across the country. I was so lost and down. My mother was an alcoholic. I just longed for someone to love me, but I just felt like no one cared and didn’t even bother to approach a new friendship. People would try to talk to me, but the small talk I had with people was so shallow. I finally met a couple friends my sophomore year that I really clicked with. But I started lying about what ethnicity I was and where I was born and grew up. I really thought that if I made myself sound interesting, people would start to like me. I started making lie after lie and before I knew it I was lost. I felt sooo bad but I was so scared to let people down. I felt so bad about myself. At home, I had no support system. My mom was a alcoholic yeller and was more concerned about partying and boys than she was about me. I went into a spiral of low self-esteem and distanced myself from everyone! I lost my friends…and junior year I was a loner. I would walk around school instead of going to lunch because I had no one to sit with. These people I talked to before would secretly follow me and I felt so pathetic because they probably thought I was just some lame kid.

Then senior year, I started to hang out with more popular people. It just happened. Idk how, I guess because they wanted to form some stupid “group”. We even had a group name …it was sooo dumb. But I felt so alone that I would take anything. I became a little more confident but the whole friendship I had with these people was so superficial. I had no idea who they were, and we talked about shallow stuff. It was pathetic of me, but I was desperate. I ended up graduating and on the night I graduated I barely even talked to the people I formed a friendship with because I didn’t want them to meet my family….because then they would’ve figured out the lies. Clearly they could tell that I wasn’t who I said I was by the looks of my family.

Now I just recently got on facebook where I have 17 FRIENDS and I started to browse the people I knew in high school. I started looking at how many friends they had (thousands) and their life. They all have stuff going for them. They have a life and friends and pictures to prove it. They go on road trips to California (which I’ve always wanted to do) and just live lifee. I’m just soooooooooo sad because I don’t have money to do stuff like that. I barely have any friends now. I feel like a loser because people don’t know me still. People STILL don’t know me…the ones I’ve met at work. They don’t know me in the sense that I’m still lying about being straight when I’m not. I feel so disconnected even if I do come off as confident to some people. I feel like a piece of shit who can’t just tell people who I really am. No wonder I feel like I never belong…because I don’t even belong to myself yet. I have no life….I just work and go to school or stay home. I can’t afford shit and still live with my mom who I dislike. I’ve felt so unhappy for so long and I just can’t get over this dark feeling, even if some days I feel optimistic about my future. The past haunts me and still is apart of who I am …I didn’t want my life to be lived that way. I felt humiliated all through out high school. UGH!

Best answer:

Answer by Vickie J. Bishop, LCSW
I know this may not be what you want to hear but what you are going through is somewhat normal and will pass. I never believed it but your twenties are about really getting to know who you are. You are right where you are supposed to be…not really sure who you are and what you are about.
High school does suck, I think it sucks for most people. Course not all people, but especially for anyone who does not fit into the “norm” or even the abnormal norm that is so popular.
My advice is to stick with school and work, focus on those two things. The other thing I would suggest is going to a gay and lesbian community center for some support. Or if there is a neighborhood that is predominantly gay, spend some time there. It can be helpful to be around people who are like you.
Also as far as facebook is concerned, remember you are comparing your innermost self to what people project to the world…it doesn’t work. People tend to project the best and only good things. You don’t know who else is miserable as they don’t share that with the world, you only see the good parts of their lives.
Things will get better. Just stay on the right track i.e. school and making a few good friends who you can be truthful with and be true to yourself and your beliefs.
Hang in there, good luck.

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