Were You Ever Verbally/mentally Abused…? if So…?
Question by Jay R: Were you ever verbally/mentally abused…? If so…?
How did you carry out your life once you became an adult?
I’m 24, living with my parents still, and have not moved an inch forward in my life since about 19 (when I barely graduated high school). I’m a generally decent guy and am regularly employed (where much of my family works) making decent money (~$ 35k), so I’m not a total loser, but I feel like one inside. I can’t drive an automobile either… :-/
My mother would regularly make fun of my appearance, call me a homosexual (a far more derogatory term actually), blame me for my parent’s alcoholism and get into heated screaming matches to let me know how much she hated me. It was generally chaos, caused in large part to the instability brought on after my mother’s extended hospital stay (which was caused in by an OTC medication reacting with her wine) which eventually caused my dad to give up his business. There was chaos before (due to a drug operation my dad ran that drove my mom nuts, and alcoholism/drug use), but after this event is when we moved around a LOT, and I seemed to become the lightning rod for daily verbal lashings. Throughout my school years, there’s always been a single theme to my life “very smart, yet underachieves.” A history teacher of mine called me the smartest “F” student taught, as I scraped by school. Late in high school is when I tail-spun, and was transferred to a “continuation school.” This in 11th grade, so late in HS I became very afraid that I might not graduate and passed all the courses in continuation with straight “As” and graduated with my original high school class. Truthfully, even the dimmest bulb could have done that, but it was only the specter of shame that drove me…
Even this, the fact that I made it back to graduate, and my brother dropped out in the 10th grade, I am branded a failure, and am afforded zero respect. My brother had ALWAYS been the favored one of my mother growing up, always doting on him, yet screaming at me. I can’t help but wonder if this is what gave him the confidence he has, the fact that he is the “chosen” one, and I the “f-gg-t one.”
Being dirt poor and having idiotic parents, I felt ashamed in the presence of others and feared they’d find out who I/we really were. I hide a lot of things, and find friendships difficult, and relationships impossible. Simply the idea of being “found out” brings fear into me, “found out” for a number of inadequacies and sins…
These days, I feel like a zombie marionette. I go/do what I think others will approve of, and am living in a daze. I can’t help but dwell on the fact that I NEVER exercised my potential, and that my potential is now gone, wasted on inaction. I never extended myself intellectually, even though I had the “potential.” I don’t even blame my parents too much, but constantly dwell on the fact that I’m a failure, and that I should have changed things while I could have.
I simply have no confidence, I have no special skills, and I fear it is too late to rectify my lazy and stupid habits I’ve developed over the years.
When I was a toddler, I was deemed to be “mentally slow” and my parents were advised by a doctor that I should be taken to an institution. When I was a child in standardized testing, I blew teachers away. Yet I’ve nothing to show for it, and feel as if I’m losing my mind inside and that I might have been better off being sent away…
These days, my parents do not scream at each other or me, do drugs/alcohol, or even raise their voices very much. All there is is a snide remark from my brother here and there, or comment of disappointment from my parents. Everything is “fine,” and we’re actually doing pretty good in terms of comfort (from where we were before), so I’ve little to complain about. Can’t help but feel depressed, wings clipped and grounded…
Best answer:
Answer by Delana
I am 20 and I was sexually abused when I was 14 and am still finding it hard to move on. I have never been through anything you have stated here, but my best advice would be to go to a therapist. Not because I think you’re crazy, but because I really think it would help you. Therapists are there to listen and it seems like you need that right now. And they can also help you with your self confidence and get you back on your feet and to where you want to be in life. I’m really sorry for everything that went on in your life and I’m very glad that things are going better in your house now. You just need to concentrate on you now. Good luck in your future and I hope you get to a good place.
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