What Am I Supposed to Do?
Question by ~Amanda~: What am I supposed to do?
My father has been an alcoholic since he was 18 years old. He’s been in and out of jail for over 20 years – and has also been through the 12 step program many times. Everytime, he will do great for about 6 months and then he relapses.
Everytime he relapses is worse than the time before.
Recently, he fell off the wagon once again – only this time, I’m the only one who will “attempt” to help him. The rest of our family (including his wife) won’t even speak to him.
My husband is afraid that this may cause problems with us, just because… well… we tend to look at this situation differently. Basically, he doesn’t want me to get involved either.
I received a (sober) phone call this morning from my dad and he asked me to come over tonight after work because he needed to talk. He kept saying things like, “Please call me and check on me throughtout the day” and “Call and make sure I’m alive”… etc. The last time he really screwed up like this he attempted suicide, and I’m so incredibly scared that he’s going to try again.
How do you help an alcoholic that’s been “helped” multiple times? Someone who’s graduated the 12 step program mulitiple times?
Please someone…. help me.
Best answer:
Answer by Lisa
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It is heartbreaking to love someone and see them suffer this way, and it also brings you to your knees with suffering too.
There is no help for him. Your father is very sick. He’s been through the system many many times. He knows the steps. He just can’t take them. He is overcome by his illness. There is nothing you can do to make him see the light and change. He is the only one that can do that and at this point….it is probably not going to happen.
I have been down the same road with my son. Serious addiction, many rehabs, relapse after relapse, and suicide attempts. My son is a wonderful person, he will do well with the 12 step programs initially, and at about 6 months he too will relapse. That is when the “honeymoon” period is over, and it is very common for relapse.
Suicidal thoughts are very common in the rock bottom part of addiction, and you can’t hold yourself responsible for your father arriving to this kind of thinking. You can however continue to love him, and to listen to him and show that you care. You may not agree with what he says, but you can still listen, unless it becomes too painful for you. Then you have to back away. You need to take care of YOU.
No matter what, he is still your father, and you still feel for him and love him. Don’t take your love away from him. You can always tell him that you do not condone his alcoholism, but you still love HIM. You can protect yourself by backing away, but still let him know that you love him. Don’t let him manipulate or guilt you into doing more than you are comfortable with. That IS loving him.
Unfortunately, the way the system works……most people are thrown out of rehab long before they have the tools they need to survive. Experts say that an average person will relapse several times, and that rehab is not effective unless it is at least SIX months. Who can afford that? Our society doesn’t want to help these people and families struggling with addiction, yet our jails are filled with them…..using our tax dollars.
So, even though he’s already been down this road….you can try to get him back into rehab which you can do through your hospital emergency room. If he is actively suicidal and makes a threat…..call 911. Leave the professionals to deal with suicide threats! Remember though, the criteria for him getting FURTHER help is that he has to be an IMMEDIATE threat to himself or someone else. And with all the cuts in economy, he probably will be kicked to the curb. At least there will be a record of it, so if it is a re-occurring thing, authorities will eventually have to stop kicking him to the curb. This is basically the only way to get him into rehab, unless he can go willingly, and has the financial resources to do so. Most don’t….by the time they need rehab……they’ve already lost everything.
For you, I would go to Alanon. If you don’t like going to Alanon, they have online groups and meetings. I know how hard it is always waiting for the other shoe to fall. Read some books on Alanon principles about numbing and taking care of you. Melody Beatie has several very good books.
If you need a shoulder, feel free to write to me. I know how you feel.
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