Alcohol Abuse Advice

Should One Try and Save a Failing Marriage?

There are some marriages that cannot or should not be saved. I’m talking of cases of continued abuse, alcoholism, repeated extra marital affairs or chronic unhappiness. In these cases, divorce will offer a healthy relief for the couple. However, in instances where there are children, it will still cause much pain, anger and resentment that will especially affect them in a very negative way. They will carry the scars all their lives, and that is not such a healthy outcome after all. Therefore, in such cases, steps should be taken to see if the marriage can be improved and divorce undertaken as the absolute last step.Read what Lakshmi from the U.S. (name changed for privacy reasons) has to say and chip in with your suggestions-

“Mine was a purely arranged marriage. I remember the excitement at home when Ravi and his parents came to meet me. The entire avenue was agog when they heard of the great coup my parents had managed to achieve. My God! An IIM graduate and so lucratively employed abroad! What more could one ask? I was no raving beauty; I was kind of ok – enough to pass muster. My parents belonged to a really wealthy family and firmly believed that there was nothing money could not achieve.

 

It was a bit of a culture shock when Ravi and his parents walked in. They seemed eager to impress, were in total awe of my parents and agreed to whatever they said. I could see that they came from a very ordinary background and that Ravi had come up only because of his intelligence and hard work. I also noticed that he was very uncomfortable; he kept avoiding looking me in the eye and answered queries in monosyllables. Yes, he was already a manager in a big IT company in New York; he had his own apartment; kept long hours at work and was not very aware of what else was going on in his part of the world. He seemed to be a workaholic who had very little time for anything else. I recall being a little ill at ease with the situation and confiding about this to my parents. They pooh-poohed it and said that it was up to me to change him.

The marriage was a grand affair and the guests were almost entirely ours. The few of their contacts and family who attended seemed quite overawed by the whole thing and kept pretty much to themselves. I could see my mother-in-law’s eyes go round with wonder at the expensive gifts we received. The next morning Ravi and I left for our honeymoon, sponsored of course, by my parents. I noticed that Ravi was tense and never really relaxed in my company. I ignored all the warning signals and hoped he would be all right once we were on our own.

The nightmare began on the very first day. Ravi actually resented me! That came as a big shock. I could feel his resentment in his brooding looks and in the way he spoke to me. This was no excited, loving bridegroom! Even as we entered our hotel room, he rudely told me that just because he had married me, did not mean that I owned him! After that, he began to insult me in every way possible. He would leave me to trot behind him trying hard to catch up with him; he never offered to carry my bags and never bothered to make any conversation. I could not understand his attitude – what had I done to deserve this? He told me he had not wanted to get married to me and had been forced into marriage by his parents. I pleaded with him to forget all that – after all, we were married now. He said he could see the contempt for his background in my eyes and he was going to teach me a lesson I would never forget. I thought of my poor parents and stomached all this quietly.

Life was one hell after that. Ravi continued to ignore me; it was as if I never existed. Even when we got back, he asked me to go to my parents’ house to “live in comfort” while he stayed with his parents for the rest of his visit. My parents excitedly asked me about my honeymoon and whether we had begun to understand each other. I gave a bright smile and answered in the affirmative. And then, it was time to leave for New York. ‘Maybe he will change once we are there’ I thought to myself. Not a word on the long flight; no looking after my comfort; only those resentful glares that I had come to associate with him.

It was no better in New York. We literally lived in silence. Whenever he did say something, his tone would be full of hatred. He sure seemed to carry a big chip on his shoulder! He kept odd hours, let himself in and slept in his room. I was at a total loss. We were strangers sharing the same apartment. My parents had given me some money and with that I decided to join some course that would give me relief from the nightmare that was my life. I also managed to get a part time job that gave me some financial independence. There is nothing in this marriage for either of us. All my dreams have been shattered. I am only holding on for the sake of my parents. It has been a year and a half now, and there has been no let up in Ravi’s behavior. If anything, he spews more hatred! He has no friends, no one to whom I can turn to in my despair. I am keeping my fingers crossed that this hate does not translate into physical violence. Please tell me what I should do. Should I tell my parents everything and risk my father’s ill-health? (He is a cardiac patient.) I will go mad this way. I would like to put this behind me and pick up the threads. Should I go in for divorce?http://www.sitagita.com/view.asp?id=9140