If You Ever”parented” a Parent Emotionally or Otherwise How Did You Cope W/these Codependency Issues?
Question by Yvonne: If you ever”parented” a parent emotionally or otherwise how did you cope w/these codependency issues?
Long story short…I 1st recall my codependency issues developing at around age 8 witnessing my parents marital problems and being I guess you could say, “ultra-sensitive” to my mothers feelings. Well they split that yr & after the abandonment of my father (BTW get along great w/my father these days thank God)~was always worried about my mother emotionally, as she expressed a lot of heartache etc. So it stemmed primarily from that many yrs. ago. These days she pretty much has stayed the same, ~usually it is me who remembers her for Christmas, and her birthdays, finds her long lost relatives online for her, lend her money. It’s like I am the parent (she speaks to me this way on some level) and she acts like the child. She lives in a hotel now (again) because she and her alcoholic husband lived above their means & now are borrowing $ $ $ from everyone they know. She has hinted that she needs money yet their expenses are covered, though it will be quite a road before they can move into a house again. Over the yrs. through therapy, I’ve had to “detach” myself from her & in the beginning this was very very painful, as I’ve always been there for her emotionally but rarely is she really there for me and when she is, feels free enough suddenly to ask to borrow money from me. It has been so painful to see how she operates in her life not thinking or planning for her future and sees “everyone else” either rich (or calls everyone else “money bags” just for saving carefully their hard-earned cash) job hops, moves around a lot throughout the yrs. etc. And she’s hinted about getting therapy but when it comes down to it then refuses it.
Well, guess my dilemma is THIS…..last week when searching for her long lost brother found out online that he passed away in 2007. Coincidentally less than a week after this her mother (my grandmother) passes away (it’s been 5 days now). She did not go visit her mother (since 1972) so obviously she comes from a troubled background. Needless to say, of course I am here for my MOther for something like this, though am having problems with “codependency” issues resurfacing again and sort of shut myself out of life for a couple of weeks (feel immobilized and out of sorts~she SCARES the H*LL out of me!) IF YOU’VE had to deal with this with a parent during any point in your life, please tell me how you coped? It’s so hurtful emotionally to see her behave like an invalid out in the world. And now my husband and I may purchase a 4 family home, and know eventually she will want to move in with us, but I can’t handle her chaotic ways in life especially with an alcoholic husband.
Best answer:
Answer by J
I haven’t gone through what you have, but my husband’s mother is emotionally unstable and immature. I lend her a sympathetic ear, but that’s it. My husband doesn’t put up with it, and neither does his sister. My mother in law hints often that she wants to move in with us. It’s not going to happen.
Ultimately you have to just not put up with her bullshit. That sounds cold, but she’s an adult and she messed up big time in the past and is messing up big time now and it’s only her fault. Whatever happened in the past is long gone and it’s no excuse. Time for tough love. That’s it.
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Asheville area health related events.
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