How Can I Stop Putting People on Pedestals?
Question by Julia: How can I stop putting people on pedestals?
I always do this. I make friends and I’m dissapointed when they don’t live up to my expectations. It’s even worse with crushes. How do I stop this?
And yes, I do have self esteem issues. I’ve never felt as though I’ve ever measured up, which is why I lack the confidence to talk to others at school (especially when they are popular). Any ways on how to stop this? Thanks.
Best answer:
Answer by Small Business Owner in TX
If you have self esteem issues, dear lady, you must address and overcome them, regardless of their possible contribution to your issues concerning your expectations of others.
Low self esteem has roots in having been mistreated in youth — not your fault, nothing you could have done to prevent it, certainly nothing to feel guilt or shame about. You were a victim, your soul was damaged as a result, and you have every right (and self responsibility, IMHO) to repair the injury. Best way is psychotherapy, if your wallet or insurance will support this path. If not, group therapy helps a lot, reading everything you can find on the subject helps.
Mutual support groups exist in many cities and towns for a wide variety of emotional issues, including this one. Generally, you’ll want to look for either ACA (Adult Children Anonymous) or ACoA (Adult Children of Alcoholics). ACA is for people who grew up in dysfunctional families generally, while ACoA is for people who grew up in families with active alcoholism. The life is pretty much the same, the resultant damage is pretty much the same.
A good first book to read is “Adult Children of Alcoholics”, by Dr. Janet Woititz. Another excellent read is “Struggle for Intimacy”, by the same author. She spent her entire working life helping people who grew up in busted up families, and she was brilliant. Don’t worry about it being hard to read and understand — it isn’t. She was also an excellent writer, and her books are direct, to the point, clear.
As concerns the issue specifically of putting people on pedestals, you will find this situation to self resolve as you heal your own spirit. When you are able to forgive yourself for being human, you’ll find you judge others much less harshly, too.
You’ve shown great courage and self insight by posting here, and you’re an excellent candidate to live a wonderful healthy life, which begins to happen as you begin to heal. I salute you for being strong, for being brave, and for wanting the best life possible. Please feel welcome to contact me directly, if you’d like. I spent many years and many thousands in psychotherapy, and the change in my life is beyond description. I am not at all trained in this field, but I’ve got lots of real experience, and will try to answer any question for you.
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