Am I Sick for These Thoughts?
Question by : Am I sick for these thoughts?
I’m always really anxious around my parents. I feel like I’m afraid of them, but I guess I’m really just scared of losing their love. Everyone says it’s not possible for one’s parents to not want her/him, but in my family it doesn’t work that way (my cousin lost his parents’ love and my oldest sibling lost our parents’ love; plus, everyone secretly hates everyone else- I love them all and everyone, I guess, at least trusts me enough to tell me the stuff they don’t want to share with everyone else, but I know eventually I’m going to fail each person).
When it’s close to the time they get home from work I get panic attacks, and when I have to go away with them I can’t sleep, I panic, and I just get really nervous and upset.
Even though it can be scary when they’re yelling or when they’re drunk and yelling and throwing things, I’m not afraid of them, only scared that I’ve done something to upset them and that I don’t know what. This is sick, but it’s almost a relief when they’re drunk, because they black-out and don’t remember the things they’ve said to me and there’s ALMOST a tiny bit less pressure on me (I still am paranoid about being ‘perfect’ for them, but there’s also a slight relief for that period of time). That’s so twisted and horrible of me. I do worry about what the alcohol does to their bodies, and I really don’t want to lose them (my dad’s sibling talked to him about not consuming so much of it, but nothing changed).
Sometimes I almost wish that they knew I already have failed them (if I told them about “sexual abuse” (quoted, because I simply can’t validate that since it wasn’t an adult), if I finally lost enough weight from my eating disorder, or if they knew about one of the other weird things I do to punish myself), because then they’d hate me and I’d at least know what caused them to.
I’m sorry I always come to Y!A with my issues in this area. I finally called this therapist I used to see (I never opened-up, but I was going to try this time), but she’s not free for awhile and I have to go away with my parents before I can see her and I’m wondering if anyone could tell me if I’m completely sick for the stuff I said above? I feel that I am, but I seem to go crazy when it comes to making my parents love me.
Thank you very much.
Also, by black-out I mean that they’re still functioning and walking around, so not that they’ve passed-out. If it matters any. Thanks again.
Best answer:
Answer by junebug
I think you do need the therapist to help you with these issues, but don’t blame yourself, it’s your parents that are sick. You’ve developed these things as some kind of self defense so that you can somehow cope with their abuse. Can you stay with a relative? It does’nt sound like a healthy environment. Good Luck and God Loves YOu!
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