Alcohol Abuse Advice

Which Side of the 20/80 Ratio were you on in High School?

I avoided my high school reunions for 45 years, for a lot reasons, but I have to admit that the 20/80 ratio was a big influence. For six of my impressionable years, I was reminded by the 20%, that I was part of the 80%.

Now that we are older, and presumably wiser, let us talk about the 20/80 ratio. Let’s talk about the unspeakable.

When you look back through your yearbook it is easy to spot the 20%. They are the ones in all the pictures, receiving all the accolades and awards, the participants in all the social networking and athletic activities. These are the same people that in elementary school we played with in their homes, sat next to on the school bus and walked home with. We had sleep-overs and went on outings.

Then the unspoken happened when we started the 7th grade. Those friends, through some unspoken code, started looking through us, turning their back toward us, and giggling behind their hands. They no longer associated or socialized with us. Initially, we did not understand what was going on but somehow recognized we had become different. The treatment was hurtful and unspeakable.

Eventually, in the untactful way of children, the 20% got their message across. They were affluent. We were not. They were white collar.  We were not. They usually lived in the better neighborhoods. We usually did not. Because they were the 20%, the schools and teachers gave them better or more attention and assistance. They wore the school colors and uniforms, received preferential treatment, and always went to the front of the line. They drove the nice cars, and when demanded, we gave up our seats.

Their parents were usually in the society and business columns of the newspaper and active in all the school programs. They came for every event their child participated in and cheered them every step of the way. Our parents never, or seldom, stepped foot in a school building or appeared at a function.

Starting in the 7th grade, what the 20% began teaching the 80% was that we were not good enough. By the 10th and 11th grades some, most, finally believed they were not good enough. Many dropped out of school or got heavily into gangs, alcohol, or drugs. Then the 20% had satisfaction and would stand back and say “see, I told you so”.

This is probably the only time the 20/80 rule works in reverse. The 20% actually rule and become the majority.

In looking back, there is probably not a single person in the 80% who would have been willing to change place with a person in the 20%, and vice versa. Think about it. They were never allowed to fail. They had to succeed in every endeavor, and pass in every class and grade. The 20% could never own up to not being perfect – to having drinking problems or to being a drug addict. They were each measured and accepted according to their successes and popularity. It was usually the 20% who committed suicide, were in car accidents while drinking – sometimes fatal accidents, or who ended up with unwed pregnancies. Their rebellion was not spoken about and their secrets, their secrets.

The 80% was the majority, but we were also the minority. Not because we were from the wrong side of town, or not affluent, or part of blue collar families. Those facts were generally undeniably correct. We were different, and because of those differences, in many ways we were already more mature and emotionally wiser. The things said and done were hurtful, there is no disputing that. But, truth be known, there was nothing we could do to change our lot in life.

It is like comparing black and white, or up and down, or in and out. The life of the 20% and the life of the 80% had little if any similarities. Most of the 80% had work, home and family obligations that were unknown to the 20%, and secret.

I will own up to the fact I was a terrible student, but it took me years to figure out why. It was not because I was stupid, unworthy, or unintelligent, as I was led to believe. It was because I was never challenged. It was because I did not need or care about learning English or History, at that time. It was important for me to learn applied skills, and quickly. I became so good at them; I ended up in my 11th and 12th grades, teaching them to my fellow students. Did that major accomplishment get recognized by the school, teachers, or other students? Of course not, because I was part of the 80%.

Why did I need the applied skills? By the age of 9, I was raising two babies, siblings actually, that our mother did not want. I was running a house for six people, doing on the shopping, cleaning and cooking. I was maintaining a two family house and yard. My mother was abusive. My father attempted suicide by hanging himself in our basement. It was me that found him. Daddy was an alcoholic but he was also a disabled war veteran. My mother and father hated each other enough to make a real effort to never be under the same roof, at the same time. My maternal grandfather was a pedophile, and my maternal grandmother enabled him. That was my life, my secrets, my burden.

Others had jobs because the added paycheck was needed for the family to survive. Others also lived with alcoholism and abuse, but it was never discussed. It was a secret. To us, this was our life, the only one we knew, and we had no way of knowing it was not “normal”.

What we lived was life, completely unprotected, unsheltered and real. It was hard, but in a strange way, better than anything the 20% could have imagined. We learned early to survive. We learned about values and integrity.

Is the 20% wrong or bad? No. Is the 80% wrong or bad? No. Can one exist without the other? No. Is the 20/80 ratio a lifelong distinction? I think so.

Hopefully, with age, we are more tolerant of the other and have come to terms with the fact that the 20% rely on the 80% and the 80% rely on the 20%. There is and always will be a difference between the two but with time we are learning that one cannot exist without the other. With luck, both groups have taught their children and grandchildren to be more open-minded and courteous toward their peers and to not be so eager to pass judgment.

So, should you go to your high school reunion? Yes. Because you earned it. For the closure, or acceptance, that what you experienced is simply part of life. It may not be fair, but we can be proud that no matter whether you are part of the 20% or 80%, you survived.

You may remember the names, but probably not the faces, and they will not either. That is profound in itself. It may not have been a happy experience, but you are not the same person you were, and neither is anyone else. 

If you were part of the 80% minority, go to the reunion and become part of the 80% majority. Be proud of what and who you are. The playing field now has gentle swells. The deep valleys are no more.

What are you waiting for, contact a classmate, the reunion committee, and start planning your attendance at the next reunion? Just do it!

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