What Should I Call My Daughter’s Biological Mother?
Question by becksgurl: What should I call my daughter’s biological mother?
My daughter is grown now but we adopted her when she was a toddler, she was our foster child at the time. she was with us since birth. she was born addicted and had lots of problems as a kid and still has a lot of problems now because of it. She suffered nurological damage because of her mother’s drug and alcohol abuse and really resents it. She suffered with a seizure disorder until 3 years ago when we started taking her to a homeopath and it got much better but she is still very angry at what she has went through in her life.
Anyways I have always just called her biological mother her mother. When she was small I’d just say she had two mothers. A few years ago my daughter started to get upset when I did this and always corrected me saying “she is not my mother”. I asked her at the time what she wanted me to call her and she told me to call her by her first name which I did for a little while.
Some time passed and my daughter has begun to use language to describe her mother that I don’t agree with. The other day, we were talking about her hair and I mentioned that *her mother* always had very thick hair like her, and again she got very angry saying that “that woman” was nothing more than an egg donor and she no longer wanted her referred to as her mother since she had nothing to do with raising her by her own actions. I suggested that my daughter seek counsiling for this because I dont want her to be angry and hurting forever. Her mother died when she was 7 of a drug overdose so she can’t talk to her and make peace with her. I want to respect my daughters feelings but I can’t bring myself to call her mother an ‘egg donor’. She had a very hard life..
Biological and birth sound kind of cold to me, real would send my daughter right over the edge I’m sure and my daughter is no longer ok with me calling her by her name.
Is there some compromise???
I don’t bring it up constantly or anything but I don’t want to totally avoid the topic in case my kids think it’s taboo we always talked very openly about it when they were young children. I think it helped them to feel safe asking questions or feeling sad if they needed to
and she is my daughter “true” mother also.
i NEVER spoke negatively about her! but my daughter had her file when it was apropriate for her age and she is grown now and asked questions as she grew up and I had to answer them honestly. i always tried to educate her about addiction that her mother wasn’t trying to hurt her on purpose but was very sick and couldnt take care of her.
ms. mimsie, I have suggested counsiling, she says she does not need it right now and I have asked her what she wants me to call her mother and her answer was “egg donor”. It’s all out in the open but she doesn’t want me calling her anything but egg donor and I just can’t do it.
CLEOPATRA!!! reread the question. I dont know what on earth you are talking about I never called myself her “real” mother??? and I have never spoken negatively about her mother! I have always only called her my daughter’s mother that’s what she is. do you suggest that my daughter not know her own story??? she had health problems and she had a right to know why??? am i supposed to hide it from her? no i don’t think so..i have always taught my daughter and all my kids that no one is too good to struggle so not to judge anyone. i certainly have never compared myself with her but my child—her child—has a right to know her own story which includes the story of her birth. sounds like you want me to lie to my child to “protect” her mother? lies don’t protect anyone, cleopatra. If I did that and she found out eventually it would be worse. what would shethink of her mother if I spent her whole childhood lying about her? I don’t wan to attatch shame because her mother was hurting not bad
CLEOPATRA who else would have told her??? She was seven years old at the time!
you are being totally irrational. you are proposing that either adopted kids and adults are LIED TO or that a stranger tell them very difficult news. which is more cruel!!!
it is about the CHILD cleopatra not either set of parents, and she was owed the truth no matter what. we NEVER said a bad word about her—not ever. we told the truth and did not editorialize. it is her story to interpret. she has her medical records she knows what drugs were present in her bloodstream at birth and all her subsequent records as she got older and experienced medical challenges. do adopted people not have the right to have that information???? it belongs to THEM!!!!
Best answer:
Answer by Ms. Mimsie
I don’t understand why you have to keep bringing up her birth mother. Obviously, it makes your daughter uncomfortable. Also, it kind of implies you don’t see yourself as her “true mother.” But I’m sure that’s not what you intend. If you must mention her, use her first name.
I hope your daughter can deal with the anger. Being angry is a burden that you need to let go of to be happy. Talking to someone or reading books about forgiveness may be helpful to her. You might mention this if SHE brings up the subject.
You know what, here’s a good way to solve your problem: Ask your daughter. Say, “Honey, do you not want me to mention <
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