Alcohol Abuse Advice

Forgive Them, for They Know not What They Do

As I thought about what to write today, a quote from the bible, which I used to read regularly as a child, came to mind. It was “Forgive them, father, for they know not what they do.” It has often been said that there is a denial that comes part and parcel with addiction. This is true- there is no doubt about it, but there is also something else operating with addiction, for both the addict and those who love him or her. And I would have to say that what is also operating with the abuse of substances is just down-right, plain and simple ignorance. When we realize this, it is both the bad news, and the good news. You see with denial, you get a sense that it is impossible to break. Denial has a will of its own. But ignorance is different. Ignorance we can do something about.

When Dave came to me many years ago and said he had a problem with alcohol, I denied it. Of course I did. How could I not. I knew nothing of alcoholism. In fact I knew worse than nothing. I knew wrong things. I knew for instance, that alcoholics were smelly guys with grubby jeans, and a bottle in a bag that they carted as they panhandled money in the streets. Now I knew this like I knew my own name. I had seen these people. This was what society told me was an alcoholic. And they told me this from a distance- in words such as “Stay away from that weirdo freak.” So when my husband came to me with his pressed white shirt, and his pressed cotton khakis and his healthy, rosy-cheeked facade, to say he had a problem with alcohol , of course I argued with him. Who wouldn’t argue? I mean the guy must be crazy, I thought. I mean just look at him. So I chocked it up to a bad day… Or better yet, there must be some problem in his life that was having him run away to drinking. Now this I knew for a fact was true about people who drink too much. I mean we all know that. We know that why people drink or do drugs is to escape their problems. It was common sense. I knew it like I knew the earth revolved around the sun…

Except for one small problem. And it is a tiny, but poignant, concept: Namely, had I lived before Galileo, I would have know equally as surely that the sun and stars revolve around the earth. And where alcohol was concerned, I was living Pre-Galileo, not post. Addicts don’t drink to escape their problems- or at least that is not the primary reason most full-blown addicts drink or drug. The primary reason that addicts drink or drug is because… they can’t not do it. Or at least they can’t see any way not to do it, when they are full-blown and every cell in their body screams that they need the drug.

But I did not know this, and oh what a difference this knowledge could have made.

Another thing I did not know was that alcoholics and addicts could look like average, every day people. I did not know that they could wear three piece business suits and function pretty well in their nine to five jobs for many years, with no-one the wiser. I did not know it would only be their closest loved ones, like me, who lived in closeted, silent, confusion and misery. And my therapist used to tell the story, previous to her own recovery, of her husband leaving his job as CEO of a Fortune 500 company, coming home, downing a bottle of scotch, and then beating her up. And he did this on a somewhat regular basis. Everyone who loves or has ever loved an addict is in need of a good addiction therapist, in my opinion- as you cannot help but come out of the experience with battle scars and bruises.

But to continue, another thing I did not know that alcohol is almost identical in chemical composition to ether. And the practical effect of alcohol on the human psyche is that it puts the conscience to sleep and allows people to operate purely out of ego gratification. Can you imagine the insanity of this way of life? We put our consciences to sleep, en masse, on a regular basis, and wonder why atrocities happen in our world.

As for me. I did not know my husband was putting his conscience to sleep. I did not know about this funny little thing the counselors spoke about with addiction- this transference of guilt- where the addict, knowing deep down it is he or she with the problem, would find a scapegoat in those closest to him or her to blame. I did not know the cunning, baffling sickness that would cause some one who loved you to emotionally batter you in order to justify his or her drinking or drugging. I did not know the powerful draw of the drug that, with every cell in the body addicted, would be ruthless and find a way to make this behavior ok. I did not know the addict himself would believe his own lies about everyone else’s inadequacies, becoming thereby more convincing, with a conscience that was largely dormant to begin with.

And it was this unknowing, that would undo me. And this was not denial, far from it. This was Pure and simple ignorance.

Now I want to separate the addict from the person. It has to be clear that the addict is not the person. Of course he is not. Just think a minute and go back to the ether example. If a person were lying on the table drugged up on ether and mumbling all sorts of craziness about how rotten and bad you were, would you believe him or her? Would you think he was in his right mind? Would you give any credence to his words? Or would you simply say, the next day when he woke up, “Wow, you were really out of your head on that stuff the other day.” But we, in our ignorance, not knowing and blind, converse with people on a regular basis who are on drugs and alcohol, and we actually pay attention to what they say. And we actually think it is them saying it.

And this was also my own undoing. It is often said that addicts choose strong people to be their partners. This is true. I can testify first hand. But it is also true that they choose malleable people- people who can be maneuvered and moved to suit their

sickness- to keep it alive and well and allow them to drink and drug. Addicts choose, in short, people with very little self-esteem. I was one such.

And I can remember the feeling of utter despair, hearing painful words hurtled my way, words about my inadequacies, my wrong-doings, my lacks and missings. And I can remember these words like arrows to my soul. And I remember particularly driving down a long winding road, on the trip back from a day trip to New Hope, Pennsylvania. The words were coming thick and fast. Hitting their mark. I was defending. I was justifying. was pleading. “That was not what I meant.” (Dave, the alcoholic, could elicit nasty meanings from my words that I never intended.)

And finally in my desperation to get free, with the choking, gasping feeling that there was nowhere to run, I opened the car door. We were speeding down the road at 45 and I was going to get out.

Now I would never go so far as to say that we who love addicts are sane. Because truthfully, we’re not. Especially when driven to our brinks. Many of us have had life experiences, traumatic ones, painful ones, that did not breed health or sanity. And then, in that mysterious, dark, subconscious of our pain, we manage to find for our lives the very person or situation that continues the experience, the known experience, of our own sickness. Like warped and twisted puzzle pieces of dysfunction, we find a matching puzzle-piece mate who will keep us in the swirl of our chaos, that may be painful, but is also familiar. And if we are lucky enough, by pure happenstance, to enter an addicted relationship in a state of relative health, it won’t be long before living with an addict has us just as insane as the rest of them.

I survived that day, only because Dave screeched to a halt. The fight ended in the very real fear for my life. (Dave the person is a very loving one.) We kissed and made up. Then the rose-colored glasses took over. Blissful ignorance set in for a while because I never knew that this crazy, trifle-arguing, blaming, judging, accusing, defending, justifying thing was exactly what substance abuse looks like.

And I have often thought, how would my life have gone, had I known all of that and so much more?

And that, in fact, is what this blog is all about. So you can know what I never knew. So you won’t ever have to forgive yourselves, for what you never knew.

http://secondhandaddiction.blogspot.com/2008/04/forgive-them-for-they-know-not-what.html