Q&A: How Have You Dealt With Changing From Codependent Relations to Healthy Ones?
Question by just another nickname: How have you dealt with changing from codependent relations to healthy ones?
i grew up in a neglectful, abusive, alcoholic household. as a result, i have very deeply ingrained codependent attitudes that i am currently working on changing. i got a therapist and go to al-anon meetings. it has been a wonderful help and now, instead of life being a chaotic mess, it is full of hope. things are much simpler and i feel some serenity! i would love to hear how anyone has dealt with their relations in this process, especailly related to those who are still heavily codependent, such as siblings. i want very much to have a healthy friendship with my sister, but she does not seek help and does not change. i can see through her alot more now. i can recognize her subconcious manipulations, guilt trips, and victim stance. i respond better and try not to get pulled back into the codependent role when we speak. but, i would prefer us to feel close again. not like we once were… because it was unhealthy comisery, negativity, and talking about other people instead of our own experiences. what i want now is to have friendships based on friendliness and a simple enjoyment of each other’s company… a few words shared in confidence… to be able to share life experiences and joy. i am trying best i can to let her know these things, but alot of what i say now becomes a threat to her. she questions my motives and in general is just a terrible friend based on my new understandings! everything is about her, and she has no capacity for listening without saying “you should..” and trying to “help” even though i don’t even ask for advice. i don’t enjoy her company. i feel like i am talking with an addict. i won’t leave her completely, but i know i can’t change her and i think it is hopeless for us, unless she gets help too. do you think i am being mean or unreasonable? is there anything in particular that might help a breakthrough develop? thanks!
Best answer:
Answer by untilguy
When you replace a worn gear with a new one it doesn’t fit properly with the other worn gear. This can cause even more wear and noise. Please forgive my example but it is the easiest way to explain. Until the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of change, you will remain the same. Your sister is comfortable in her condition. Don’t confuse this with being happy or content, it’s not the same. The short answer to your question is meditate on the serenity prayer when dealing with your sister.
What do you think? Answer below!