What Can I Do to Help an Abused Friend Who Lives Far Away?
Question by P J: What can I do to Help an abused friend who lives far away?
My friend is 13 years old and she lives in what i believe to be an abusive household.
Her brother is 18 and stays in the house and frequently drinks alcohol and uses marijuana as does her father. She doesn’t go into detail but I’m fairly certain they both hurt her physically. Her mother passed away during childbirth and she has no other relatives besides a uncle she refuses to speak about, but from what i can gather, is worse than her father.
She doesn’t go to school and instead her father “home-schools” her, though she says he doesn’t actually do anything and she says no one from the local school district has gone to check on her in years. On that, I’m pretty sure it’s mandatory for home schooled children to have evaluations. She stays home and plays online games and watches TV all day, which i know isn’t technically abusive but she’s not getting an education and I’m worried about what she’ll do after she turns 18.
I think she would be better off in foster care but I’m only 18 and in way over my head and I don’t know how to help her. My parents are first generation immigrants and aren’t wealthy people and I can’t expect them to take her in. I’m their only child and will be going off to college this fall and they will be buying their first home.
The main reason i haven’t called the police myself is that i live in Torrance, near LA, while she lives in San Diego. She hasn’t called the police herself (she doesn’t have a cell phone and her father doesn’t allow her to use the house phone when things happen), but she seems at least somewhat willing leave her current household, but she needs legal and official help and not me.
i know some people will be wondeing about that immigrant part. I’m chinese and her father is white (mother asian)
Best answer:
Answer by Andita
Well, first you need to decide if you should intervene by alerting authorities in your friend’s hometown, i.e. Child Protective Services for San Diego, also known as Child Welfare Services. Here is their info.
San Diego County CWS Agency
1600 Pacific Highway
San Diego, CA 92101
800-344-6000
www.co.san-diego.ca.us
This is a big decision and you should discuss it with your own family. Do you have any real evidence of abuse? Has she ever talked to you about it? Have you seen any evidence of it first hand, like bruises or black eyes? Do you think she is being sexually abused? All this should be discussed with your family or with someone who has good judgment, someone that you can trust, like maybe a school counselor.
Maybe you could simply ask your friend if she is being abused by her family. Ask her if she needs your help. She might be relieved to talk about it. If you don’t want to ask her, then at least let her know that you’re concerned for her well being and that you are there to listen without judgment if she ever needs someone to talk to.
Beyond calling protective services just stay a part of her life, continue to be a friend. I can’t imagine she has many friends being home schooled. She sounds very isolated. So please don’t forget about her when you go off to college and your life totally changes. Your going to make a lot of new friends and have all sorts of new experiences. So make a pledge to take time to send her letters or stay in contact with her via email. Even if her situation is dire just knowing that someone cares for her will go a long way in helping her to become a healthy adult. By staying in touch you will also be better able to watch for signs that her situation is worsening, or reaching a critical point where you really do need to intervene.
You are a kind and caring person. I hope you find peace in what ever you decide and I’ll send thoughts of strength to your friend that she may endure whatever comes to her and grow to be a better person from her struggles. All any of us can hope for is to learn from our life’s journey. Good Luck.
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